i do not want to go to work day. must clock in by 2:33. i woke up at 1:00 on the dot. my boyfriend will be getting off of work at 2. i will be getting off at 7. oh well. at least i am making time and a half. hey, it’s just not worth it to me anymore.
also. i think i am going to move to apache junction, arizona. and be frankie’s roomate and possibly marry her brother. hah. just kidding. but really. why is the cost of living there so much cheaper than it is here? this is JUST houston. come on. HOUSTON IS SO UGLY AND LONELY AND BORING.
houston has nothing special to look at but i went to my hiding place yesterday and felt really small and alone and at peace. i also ran into a girl i used to know named beth. she did coke in bathrooms and now she’s employed by a very high class store and refused to let me in to use the restroom.
last night was the first time in a very long time that i felt wonderful about something. of course, altered states and different people will do that to you. right? i ate too many freeze/ice pops and laughed too hard at singing chairs. i also realized that i have the smallest bladder in the entire world. i was included in video games and i actually won at something. i hated myself for a while because i felt like i should have been with jordy. no one listening to fevers and mirrors should be by themselves and i wanted to teleport to katy. i texted frankie and wished i could teleport to arizona.
i can’t remember the last time i washed my hair. don’t tell anyone i told you that, tumblr. but, man, it looks amazing!
my mother told me she liked my writing style and that my paper made her cry. not my intention of course. she called gabe’s phone to have a conversation with me about the bouts of depression that i mentioned. that’s all in the past. all in the past, mom.
i’m so about right now. from now on, i’m always about right now.
god, i love this woman. i had e-mailed her last night to tell me a bit about the picture.
I was a young, inexperienced Mom trying to do my best at something very new and unfamiliar. I wanted a professionally photograped picture of you and I for posterity. I like it very much. You look like you just woke up what with the puffy circles under your eyes but that just makes you look like a baby which you still were.The photographer, who I cannot remember anything about, must have been good, he got us both to smile naturally, nothing fake.I was happy. I was getting something ‘normal’ done. I was very unsure most of the time and I’m afraid you might have sensed it and as a result felt insecure. I really tried to do right by you as a Mom. I just never really expected to have to do it all on my own.Keep this in mind if you ever decide to have a baby. Are you strong enough and prepared to raise a baby totally on your own? Chances are probably 50 - 50 you might have to, depending on the guy, because the Dad can just walk away whereas the Mom instinctively knows better. Being a parent is really the hardest job ever. And, until you are on your own - safe, secure, happy and self-sufficient, I will not feel I did a good job. I’m here for you for anything you need to get to that point. If anything should ever happen to me, [ and yes we all do die ], I won’t die happy unless you are at that point.
I love you sweetie. I emailed you yesterday. Call me sometime!
i just had some sub-par funnel cake at 59 diner with vee. why was it so hard and crunchy? shouldn’t that stuff be soft and delicious? there was not enough powdered sugar and the ratio of strawberries to … fried… flour… was TERRIBLE.
i’ve got 500 words on my paper. i shall wait until tomorrow morning (when it is due) to complete. i e-mailed my mother, “tell me everything you know about this picture because i’m using you as a source.” i hope that makes her feel good first thing in the morning when she gets to work. with her help, i’ll have another 500 in minutes.
i sent her pictures of chihuahuas at three am once and she replied at seven with a million smiley faces. hahaha.
oh, also, adam brody, i still love you. even when you’re an evil, devil-worshiping maniac.
the highlight of my day: a beautiful boy coming up to me in the candy aisle at work while i was standing on the flatbed and telling me jagger and richards would be flattered at the way i was dressed.
i have to continuously remind myself i’m a human being when i’m at work. it hurts my head.
i came home and me and the boy fell into a nice, deep sleep. i woke up and my whole body ached.
by the way, FUCK YOU T-MOBILE SIDEKICK. i am tired of paying $80 a month for you. the back cover continues to slip off and it’s the most annoying thing ever.
being around my dad makes me suicidal. all i wanted to do was play a beatles song for my mother. everything is always so rushed when i see her because he’s there. i hate that he’s there. it always feels like we’re racing a fucking clock. i want to love him and be okay with him. i want to be alright when i’m around both mother and father. will i ever? i just miss mom. my beautiful, sweet, shy mom. i want better for my mom. she deserves so much more than what she has. i don’t know how she lives with him. and without me. or boney. i don’t hold it against her, though. he’s only killing her faster and i think i will always hate him for that.
i’ve got a paper due tuesday. another due on thursday. i’m sure i’ll wait until those very days to start writing but that’s me. i work better like that, anyway.
electric bill due tomorrow. only working three hours, how pointless.
less than 12 hours later and i have my keys. i love james camarillo and james morrow. that’s all i have to say about that.
howl’s moving castle is probably one of my favorite movies now. we stayed awake until three am watching when we had to be up before eight. it was that awesome. i made eggs sunny side up and we had our daily dose of ramen.
i want my hair to be played with every night before bed. every. night.
also, i can hardly remember my dreams. but i do remember one about bugs. and lots of them. :(
my parents are on their way. so, i cleaned up. it was a sad attempt but oh well. i made myself breakfast, because i know they’ll scold me for my eating habits. i fed boney. i made myself some coffee. i seem to be completely out of folgers. i see women and men picking up those bright, orange dunkin donuts coffee at costco all the time and they stick the bags to their nose and i don’t think i’ve ever seen someone put the bag back down onto the pallet, but into their basket. they seem to just absolutely love it and they rave about it at the exit door, so maybe i’ll try it. if i buy myself a bag at costco, it will last me until the end of time. and we have a wonderful return policy. i have never actually smelled anything when i put my nose to the bag, though.
work is work.
i had to help a blind family use the bathroom the other day, and i never walked away from anything feeling so lucky. their dogs were well behaved.
oh, yesterday afternoon, a man called me worthless. at work. SOMETHING THAT SHOULD NOT HAVE BOTHERED ME BECAUSE HE WAS A STRANGER AND I WILL PROBABLY NEVER SEE HIM AGAIN IN MY LIFE. but fuck, that’s just a reason it should bother me. that, an absolute stranger who knows nothing about me and who definitely is not considering how insecure i am and how much i hate myself already, can call me worthless.
"worthless worthless worthless. why the fuck do i even come here?"
something about his coupon scanning and something about the self-checkout (WHICH ISN’T FUCKING SELF CHECK OUT AT ALL) machine said coupon accepted. i tried my best to help him but there were three other fucking lines and i was the only person there. and i am only one person. one person. two eyes, two ears, two hands. it really stung when he said it over and over, too. it was so hard not to break down and just cry right there. a boy i work with told me that we need another bubonic plague.
i tried to be a part of the crowd today. and again, i failed. i’m never going to fit in. and i guess that’s okay with me. i guess not fitting in is my comfort zone? but, i will definitely wear my rolling stones shirt tomorrow.
also, i lost my keys.
it’s an awful feeling - knowing your wallet, schoolbooks and vehicle are not in your possession, but instead locked away inside your place of employment and not knowing where the keys are.
i just want to leave my phone here and have someone come pick me up and drive me around. i don’t care where, i don’t care that i have work tomorrow, i don’t care what the topic of conversation is, i just don’t want to be in this apartment and i don’t want to be so sad and worried anymore.
then mom hangs up on you. boyfriend ignores you. best friend doesn’t respond. dad yells at you. what else do i have? who else do i have?
i went to starbucks for a grande vanilla iced latte and the mercedes in front of me paid for me. it was one of the best moments of my life. it restored my faith in humanity. jordy says this means i have to pay it foward.
maybe i’m weird. it’s just, people never do nice things for me.
the past few times i’ve tried to update, tumblr wouldn’t let me for some reason. frowntown.
i don’t know i don’t know i don’t really know what i want anymore.
contemplating moving back home and saving money and schooling full-time.
i skipped art appreciation today because i had to do laundry, took the most amazing nap and had half of an amazing sandwich that my father made me. (mayo+tomato+onion+turkey on wheat.) normally, i’d find that disgusting but OH MY GOD IT WAS SO DELICIOUS.
let’s seeee, what’s new? i bought a pack of cigarettes today for the first time in over a month. discovered that after october, blacks will no longer be sold in the us, what the fuck? anyway, my lungs do not appreciate it. so i guess that means i’m done after this pack for realsies?
i received many text messages from my best friend. haven’t seen her in so long, it feels like. it’s almost been two weeks, what the fuck is that? i just want her to come over and play beatles rock band with me.
and i want that bottle of sofia wine we sell at costco. a member said to me, “it’s good for relaxing by the pool at night.” ever since then, i’ve been eyeing it. need boyfriend to go buy it for us, though. also, that reminds me, we hardly swam at all this summer. once, to be exact. i went another time with my parents. and we tried to go a second time, but they were cleaning it at the time.
“Through their own lives and through you, the loved ones they left behind, the men and women who lost their lives eight years ago today leave a legacy that still shines brightly in the darkness and that calls on all of us to be strong and firm and united. That is our calling today and in all the Septembers still to come.”—President Obama (via restartmyheart)
please do not hate me for this one, guys. the only reason i sat through the high school musical trilogy was because my boyfriend wanted to see them.
"you have to go through all this just to get either one? no, thanks. you’re very good at a game that i don’t want to play. so, i’m done here. but you better step away from the mirror long enough to check the damage that will always be right behind you."
i’m in an apartment with five boys, six, if you count my dog. i like this? i don’t know. girls are so weird and they’re all twisted and i guess they’re too caught up with saying things like, “oh, i don’t like the drama. i try to avoid it at all costs. it’s a waste of my time/breath/effort, etc.” to realize that they’re doing it themselves. i’m tired of it.
all they’re doing is playing video games and making food and getting drinks. playing with my dog, smoking cigarettes and for a bit, we watched it’s always sunny in philadelphia.
i’ll admit, guys are idiotic sometimes. they aren’t aware of what they can do to us girls. but in my experience, they’re a lot more… normal? or i guess, stable? they’re perfectly content with doing nothing.
i’ll never feel like i’m a girly girl. i remember going to see transformers with my boyfriend and feeling like the ungirliest/most unfashionable female there. sometimes, i feel like i’ll never find one of those girls i can just lazy around in my underwear with and eat cereal and sob to sappy romantic movies and go shopping with. i want that. really badly. a female i can actually confide in and she won’t give me bitchy answers/say cliche shit/someone who will let me cry and cry with me and be there when i call her and come over when i need her to. someone who is dear and true to me. someone who will sit on the toilet while i shower and tell me all about her day. someone who won’t screw me over. someone who won’t be vulnerable and gullible. someone who won’t betray me. i’m so glad i have jordy right here in texas with me. she’s the closest thing i have. the only reason we don’t live together is simply because she cannot afford it.
maybe that’s what i have in common with boys? we all just want the perfect girl? well, she wouldn’t have to be perfect. if she befriended me, she’d probably be far from it. but i would love all of her flaws, too. only, i want her as a companion, not a lover.
i must have spent hours wrapping frankie’s present last night. i hope she likes it. i really wish i could go to arizona.
i also want to go back to san francisco. i loved that place. i pretend booked my flight for january and my total without hotel/food came out to around $400. i shall continue to look for something cheaper. i WILL go back. even if i go alone. then i won’t need a hotel.
the past few hours have, in fact, felt like days. i got off work at three, bought my mom’s birthday gifts, called her and told her how much i miss her already and wish i could be with her on her birthday. i like that she is learning how to text message. i like texting her cute things.
i came home and found a present from a god, a turkish royal. i’ve been so great about not buying cigarettes and i don’t plan to. it was just too hard to not accept what had literally been placed at my feet. then a spider bit me. i am sure of it.
i started to clean and that went nowhere once the thunder came around. the cat started pawing at me and boney started to cuddle up close. eventually, i just shut down. woke up twice and so far, i’ve had two bowls of froot loops.
my boyfriend asked if i was hungry for james coney island. i told him no, that i felt sick and that i wanted a fruit bowl. and guess what, ladies? he’s going to bring me a fruit bowl. i can’t wait.
now i’m feeling nauseous and it still hurts where it did last night.